My LiveJournal

hi everyone! i lived!

sorry for umm "baiting" i guess -- i was doing really badly these past few days :c but i feel a bit better now... just a bit, at the very least. self-isolating won't help anybody, right?

in somewhat-related news, my friends have been making me a bit sad lately. i don't really know how to say anything about it to them, though. i think that i've just been overly sensitive lately, or something?

oh well. i also tried poke for the first time today! it was okay... i think that i might try it again from a different establishment, and maybe i'll like it more.

i guess that i don't have much to say today! oh well.

this is it, i guess... maybe someone will scrape my website looking for signs. this is the sign. this is it. this is the sign. i'm so tired. i'm so, so tired. bye.

TW self harm mention, suicide mention

today has been fucking miserable. as soon as i got home from work, i drank ~5 shots worth of bourbon, some of which straight from the bottle. i also had a glass of cheap wine and an edible. waiting for the edible to kick in now. sorry if i become illegible while i'm writing this.

i really have been thinking nonstop about hurting someone today. myself, or someone else. i'm so angry. i'm so hurt. i'm just trying not to relapse on cutting. thank god no one reads this.

i debated deleting my private discord server today, the one with my closest friends in it. or at the very least transferring ownership to someone else and leaving. they don't like me, anyways. they reject me at every circumstance, and they all wish that i'd killed myself a long time ago. i mean nothing to them. less than nothing. i'm a nuisance which should hhave never been born.

i don't have the right mind to fix my typos right now, sorry. i kind of want to drink more. i'm a little bit fucked up righht now.

fuck you, if you're reading this. fuck everybody. fuck. i wish i was dead.

happy halloween everyone!!!

i can't actually celebrate the holiday today, so i went out to the bar last night. i went by myself with the hopes that somebody would talk to me, and somebody did!! she invited me to play trivia with her and her friends (we got 4th place), and we hung out for ~4 hours. and when i got home, i was able to spend time with my long-distance friends over discord! yay! successful halloween adventure, i think.

today i've been thinking a lot aboout my pronouns and gender. i've used the label genderfluff for myself for a long while, but somehow i have never used any neopronouns for myself! our old host used some neopronouns, but most of us don't have any. i hope to change that for myself at the very least! i think that neopronouns are really fun, and can be really fulfilling to use. i've been thinking about luv/luvs for myself -- i think that i might add that to my pluralkit now actually! how exciting!

tonight at work we'll be setting up christmas products. i really love the holiday season -- nothing is as rewarding as putting a lot of work into a gift for a friend and they end up loving it! i think this year i'll bake some cookies for my coworkers, maybe. some of the others want to be evil and add cayenne pepper to the recipe and give them out without telling people. i guess we'll see!